Nine Words...

"You Must Regret The Day That You Left Me!"

Falling...Falling...Gone.

You know you're in love when you can't sleep...because reality is finally better than your dreams.

-Dr. Seuess

Things I absoluteley HATE...

1. Trifling, lying ass females.

Most people who know me are like.... MrzNikki, WTA is going on in your world and why are you FULL STINGER like this early in the AM? It is a very simple explanation for me climbing on the soap box this morning. There are some females in the world that should be lined up and shot in the head execution style. These are ones who have nothing better to do than to tell you a pack of lies and watch your reaction. What they don't know is I was not born stable and they are tempting fate.


2. Women who do not know what they want...

Starting to see a pattern here...? I absolutely detest them, hate them, and wish they would jump off the nearest bridge and die. These are the ones who are constantly bitching that there is no one there for them and when you present yourself...they push you away. What the fuck is that??? Next time you are lonely... snuggle up with your fucking pillow and lose my number.


3. Women who thing that they can hold more than one relationship at a time...

There is a adjective for you. WHORE... If that person is not giving you everything that you need, there is no need to lie to them and see another behind their back. Just let them go. Don't string them on...thinking that they are the only one when you are out spending time chilling with another. If they are your 80%... Don't do me the dis-service to only have the portion of you that they are not getting. I deserve so much more.


4. Women who do not recognize they are in a bad situation.

Honey, move on. If she ain't doing it, another will trust and believe me. Personally, I put up with a situation because I WANT TO... NOT because I have to. I mean look at me. I am not a paper bag date or lover. You can take me out and believe me... I turn heads. Classy, never trashy. I made you look good.


Love Always,
MrzNikki

Promises Made...

Yesterdays goals
dim memories.
Dark sadden eyes
blurring with tears.
Painful scars are born
love is history
Futures crumble when doubt appears

No brightly lit hope envisioned
When followed after harsh words
Hurt souls split in twain,
partitioned
Swooned by appeal-when numbness lured.
Apologies made, never bought.
Price paid turned out too costly.
Thought never known what would be wrought-

Must walk into the night softly
One wish, only to be released,
Granted-Now receive this token.
Words written in rhyme, love is deceased.
When promises made...were broken.

Admissions of a Scorpio

When you are on the road to recovery, from whatever you addiction was, the first step is admission. I was addicted to something... someone. Here are my admissions:

I loved someone.
I put someone before myself.
I made someone laugh.
I made someone smile.
I brought someone happiness...I think.
I hugged someone because I wanted.
I told someone that I loved her.
I trusted someone.
I told someone my fears ... and secrets.
I cried in front of someone.
I let someone hold me.
I let someone sing to my heart.
I did anything you wanted... because you wanted it so.
I did anything I could to make you happy.
I gave you 30 minute back rubs.
I lathered your feet with lotion and rubbed until my hands ached.
I started your day with a smile.
I ended your day with laughter.
I was there to wipe your tears, if you needed me.
I was there to keep you safe.
I was there to try and help you with it all.
I was there to be whatever you wanted/needed me to be.

And yet, you chose another over all these things..... pity.

Beautiful Stranger

Out of the crowds

Her face emerged,

A stranger with a

familiar look..... and a

story behind her eyes.

I am familiar with the plot,

I know that I have read it before...

The similarity rivals my own.

Below her eyes,

Her supple lips form a smile

My lips do the same in return,

She watches me as we pass,

She can read the story,

Behind my own eyes.

Strangers in a societal sense,

The recognition of familiarity...

and the promise to

meet yet again.

V-Day... Until the Violence Stops!

So, I just got my invitation to the Vagina Monologues hosted by my Alma Mater, Wesleyan College in Macon, Georgia. This year’s benefit production sheds light on the rape of women and girls in war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo. Proceeds from this year’s show benefit Commune des Femmes de Kamanyola, a non-profit organization dedicated to rehabilitating victims of sexual violence in the DRC. This year’s show also benefits the Rape Crisis Center and Safehouse in Macon.

So where will you be on Friday, February 13, 2009 @ 8:30 pm?

What is V-Day?

Eve Ensler states, "As I traveled with the piece to city after city, country after country, hundreds of women waited after the show to talk to me about their lives. The play had somehow freed up their memories, pain, and desire. Night after night I heard the same stories -- women being raped as teenagers, in college, as little girls, as elderly women; women who had finally escaped bring beaten to death by their husbands; women who were terrified to leave; women who were taken sexually, before they were even conscious of sex, by their stepfathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, mothers and fathers.... Slowly it dawned on me that nothing was more important than stopping violence toward women."

This led to a poignant and hilarious tour of the last frontier, the ultimate forbidden zone, The Vagina Monologues is a celebration of female sexuality in all its complexity and mystery. In this stunning phenomenon that has swept the nation, Eve Ensler gives us real women's stories of intimacy, vulnerability, and sexual self-discovery.

Celebrated as the bible for a new generation of women, The Vagina Monologues has been performed in cities all across America and at hundreds of college campuses. It has inspired a dynamic grassroots movement--V-Day--to stop violence against women. Witty and irreverent, compassionate and wise, Eve Ensler's Obie Award-winning masterpiece gives voice to women's deepest fantasies and fears, guaranteeing that no one who reads it will ever look at a woman's body, or think of sex, in quite the same way again.

Based on interviews with over 200 women about their memories and experiences of sexuality, The Vagina Monologues gives voice to women's deepest fantasies and fears, guaranteeing that no one who reads it will ever look at a woman's body, or think of sex, in quite the same way again. It is witty and irreverent, compassionate and wise. "At first women were reluctant to talk," Ensler writes. "They were a little shy. But once they got going, you couldn't stop them."

If you haven't heard of V-Day and the Vagina Monologues, please check it out and/or find a local college or community that will be putting on the play. Visit: http://events.vday.org/search.php

My Journey... continues

Yesterday I wrote about a time,
where I visited the River Styx,
It proved to be one of the hardest
trips that I had to make,
Giving my little one to the boatman,
Still my journey goes on.
My daughter...she still comes to me,
in my dreams,
sometimes as a infant,
sometimes as a toddler,
sometimes as a child,
I always know when she's here.
Looking after her mommy.
She lets me know that,
she is OK.
She is happy and content.
And sometimes it makes me wonder,
Why am I not as happy as my
Mickey-Girl.

Well, today I am making an affirmation.

I choose life.
Grief is a powerful thing.
For 8 years, I have let it consume me.
Devour my heart and soul until,
there was nothing left to give
to anyone else.
Today, I choose happiness.
I choose to look at life as a blessing,
not a burden.
Instead of thinking of what could have
been... I am looking at what I have.
I choose tranquility,
I choose peace,
I choose prosperity,
I choose to love,
I choose to live.



My life has been a series of uuupppsss and dddooowwwnnnsss.



But I choose to be me.
Had it not been for those life
lessons. I would not be the person
that I am today.



Today, I choose the top.
I will be successful,
I will be rich beyond my wildest imagination,
In life, love, and riches,
I will speak nothing but positive thoughts,
For they will re-align my life.

I come from a long lineage of
great Southern Ladies and I
will make them proud. I will be
the lady that I was groomed to be.



For everyone else:
I will see you at the top.
Mediocracy has never been
in my blood. I will not
fall prey to it now.
I hope that you see the greatness
in you that I have found in myself.



Lots of love, peace, and tranquility,

Signed,
Ms. Alfreda "Fre-" Whatley

PostScript: Sometimes you have to get a little rain in your life to see the rainbows. For me... it has been 8 years of rain and sometimes, I wondered would it ever cease. My faith faltered at times. I became downtrodden. But as a woman... I know that my God is an awesome one and She gave me everything that I need to survive in this very big world. See, I have learned when life gives you lemons... just learn how to make Lemonade. I don't know how you like yours but I like mine tangy but sweet just like me.

XOXO,

Fre-

Loss...

One sad morning almost 8 years ago to the day,
I had to witness the crossing of someone closest to me,
Our journey together had reached its end.
The river Styx was calling, beckoning for her.
Holding her close but knowing I had to let her go,
Is the hardest thing for a mother to do,
Checking her little pockets,
She needed two coins for the ride,
The ferryman wasn't a patient soul.
And there are no free rides where she was headed.
Then as fast as she came into the world,

She was gone,
Our time had come to it's close.
It didn't matter that I had journeyed from far away,
Hoping to get a last glimpse,
A last kiss or wave,
I had to let her go home,
Lurking in the shadows of the parapet,
Letting grief wash over my soul,
I had to turn away,
Couldn't watch her cross over into the
Promised Land.
Couldn't watch her be entombed in time without decay,
I had to journey on.
Never thought that I would feel like this,
Never thought I could understand loss.
I lost something that day
Something so dear and precious,
Priced more than the rarest diamonds or finest pearls.
She is priceless to me.

I finally understood loss...
It was the day I said goodbye to my daughter.

Dedicated to Little Miss Mi'Kaya Denise Whatley-Carmichael

Born: February 11, 2003 @ 4:42 AM

Mommy misses you, sweetheart!

My Secret Ritual...

I undress at night

When the silence is still,

and the rays of the
Transparent Moonlight
Penetrate the complexity
of the night.

In the shadows I am comfortable

I am not afraid that
something will devour my essence.

In the Shadows I am comfortable

They address me as an
acceptable character.
I emerge from my costume,

Peel back the camouflaged mask,

and lay back my garments of
First Impressions
Inside my sacred sanctuary.

I express my true identity that is
Crafted, molded, into

my sculpture of Life's experience.
I breathe the breath of life.
As I lay back and listen...

Listening to the movement in the still night.

I begin to fall into my paradise,
as though they were the dreams of the day.

Sunrise will come soon....
I'll have to get dressed in the morning.
It’s a pity that I only get to
Undress at night.

WHAT I AM READING!

I'm go pretty go-go ga-ga of typical "chick lit," but Jennifer Weiner's books generally tend to rise above the rest. "Good in Bed" is no exception.

The story revolves around Cannie Shapiro, a 28-year-old newspaper reporter from Philadelphia. Cannie recently ended a three-year-relationship with Bruce, a guy who comes across as a pothead loser from the very beginning. For some reason, though, Cannie still loves Bruce, and just as she begins to reconsider their split, she is stunned when her ex writes a column in a national magazine titled "Loving a Larger Woman." Yes, Cannie is slightly obsessed with her size 16 frame, but Bruce's column pushes her over the edge. In spite of Bruce's cruelty, however, Cannie still finds herself drawn to him. When Bruce's father passes away suddenly, Cannie is right there to comfort her ex. Unfortunately, the comforting goes a little too far, and Cannie ends up in a very difficult situation, finding herself more alone than ever.

Never fear, though...Cannie Shapiro kicks butt!

Despite all the crap that's happened to her in her life, she never gives up. "Good in Bed" explores Cannie's family history, which sheds light on why she is the way she is about men, her weight, etc. There are also a ton of excellent supporting characters in this book, from Cannie's lesbian mother to a sweet Hollywood starlet...and, of course, there's Nifkin, Cannie's odd but loveable rat terrier. Yes, much of what happens in this book is incredibly unrealistic, from Cannie's surprising friendship with a movie star to her own success in Hollywood, but all that stuff is part of the fun of the story.

As for me, I enjoyed every page of "Good in Bed." It's a funny yet poignant novel that touches on some of life's most agonizing situations and choices, but it's also incredibly entertaining and humorous. Cannie is a smart, sarcastic, and sassy character, and I really enjoyed her story. Women everywhere will appreciate "Good and Bed" as a light and touching novel.

Advertisement: Pandora's Box

I’m a missionary of the positive outlook.

Always striving for a piece of reality.

Opposing a sense of mindlessness.

Courageous student of failure.

Life’s too short to dwell.

On what was or what could have been.

"What if" is no longer the winner of my vocabulary.

I am tired of looking for answers in insufficient places.

Now I am an adventure seeker provoking fate.

To cradle my intolerable intelligence.

I have eviscerated the negativity that was drowning me.

Now I am a freethinker, poetic preacher.

Defined by my pen.

The guardian of my nomadic rambling.

Timeless lover haunted with a crescendo of laughter.

Privately looking for an interpreter for my heart.

Every curiosity comes with a cost.

What price are you willing to pay?

To gain my trust and evoke my interest.

To open my Pandora’s box

Riding the Bike...

You know, love is supposed to be akin to riding a bike
but the funny shyt is that nobody ever told you what
type of bike you would be riding.

Would it be a ten speed, built for speed rather than comfort?
A Training Bike- One to train you for when you get the real thing?
A Motorized Scooter... yeah, it looks great but you can't really
be taken serously on the expressway,
A Two-Seater... One that you have to work together to make it work?

No one ever told me that love would be this hard.

Lazy days...

I love those mornings,

waking up and rolling into

your arms,

that careless way,

you caress my thigh,

working your way up

to fondle my breast,

and whisper "good morning, sweetheart"

That look in your eye,

that tells me that you are mine,

and I am yours...

I am breathless with

anticipation at our "lazy days"

spent warming ourselves,

in the sunlight pouring through

the window.

Watching your love,

being etched into my body,

with an indelible ink,

that will never wash out of

your sheets.

Sweet Dream or Beautiful Nighmare?

I could seduce you right now...

mentally rape you and tie your

brain up in my sadistic fantasies,

I would tease you with fore-play

of the transcendent type.

Give you beautiful orgasms,

that leave your mind,

gasping for air and fortitude...

If you let me.

I would spank your mental processes,

tickle your fantasies with my feather boa,

and pour hot wax down your imagination,

suckle your unconsciousness until

you beg me to fuck your thoughts.

Handcuff your memory and

nuzzle your motor perception.

Then, I would straddle your decisions,

and ride them like a pony.

Until you only had thoughts of me.

Lady Venting...

Damn, this shyt annoys me
I am sick, sick, sick,...
and where I am not sick,
I am tired.

Sick and tired of being a ladi.

What I really want, is to be seduced...
Mentally fucked and sent on my way.
Find me someone who can rape my mind
with eroticism and dirty words.

While the list is being made,
Find me someone who is not
afraid of a little rough sex...
That doesn't think that because
I want my pussi pleased that I am
a harlot.

Find me someone who is not
afraid to drink of my cup,
and get intoxicated with me.

While you are at it...
is there someone who is not
afraid of commitment,

The joys of family,

Enjoyment to one another,

Someone who is not afraid
of the truth...and that actually
would prefer the truth to any lie.

Find me someone who is in love
with life but that person to share
it with is missing.

Find me that person that creeps,
up on me like a thief in the night.
Poised and ready to steal my love...

So Sexual....

You know that it is unnatural,

When I can't eat... can't sleep.

It's giving me a chill,

I'm loosing my mind....

Because you are loosed on me.

I never knew that "love" could be

So addicting,

Makes my heart sink,

Deep into my soul...

Because I am always

thinking of

When we make love.

I never thought that love

could be so jonesing.

I find myself going back to the day,

when you first touched me,

It's everything that I need.

So sexual.

Contemplating...

Today is a day of contemplation.
I am decidedly bored with the mundane,
Scripted Lies,
Broken Promises,
Well rehearsed shows...

I have decided that I will have more of life,
To reach more,
Have more,
Desire more,
Is all I am looking at...

Yesterday is gone,
Tommorrow is not promised,
So all I have is the present...
Wrapped up all pretty and given with a pink bow.

Thought for today...

"Clever liars give details, but the cleverest don't."

Unknown

Author's Notes

Sometimes we get caught up in,

the minute details,

We get disillusioned,

Bambozzled,

Hoodwinked,

Ran-Astray,

Run-Amuck,

Or just plain fooled....

But then you have to ask yourself?

Why.... ?

It ain't worth it...

She...ain't... worth...it.

So, I am loving life and having it love me back.

Thought for today...

"I got 99 problems... but a bitch ain't one!"

Jay-Z, "The Black Album"

New Year, New Swag...

Reflecting on last year,
There were many ups and downs,
some times there were loops,
twists, and turns...

But I made it.

This year promises to be the
best one yet... Check out my 2009 swag...

Coming soon to a bookstore near you!!!

"Life Thus Far"